SUPER BIG GAME BOWL XLIX: A CLASH OF KINGS
Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 10:57 am
WELCOME TO TERMINAL ANALOG SPORTS NETWORK :: BRINGING THE DIGITAL WORLD THE FINEST SPORTS NEWS ABOUT HUMAN SPORTS
Mittens: Welcome back to TASN! o 3o As always, I'm your host, Mittens the Wormmon, coming to you live from our studio in Terminal City! And joining me are, of course, our human sports expert, Agito Kuuhaku, and our prime correspondent, Yama! It's time once again for this year's premiere triple awesome human sports event, the Super Big Game Bowl!! Excitement is in the air! Also perspiration! And the big brown thing.
Kuuhaku: Yes. Since last year, Mittens-san, we have confirmed that the big brown thing is in fact a "Grid Iron-Foot ball". I believe the reference is to the name of its inventor? Nagisa-inchou was unclear on that point. He was, however, educational about cheerleaders.
Mittens: o 3o Right, right, because of Shu-kun's mom! Maybe we should have her as a guest on the show?
Kuuhaku: No. She is allergic to Yamainumon fur. Also she believes in a "Bat Dog".
Yama: ......Mittens-saaaaaaannnn?
Mittens: Uh, yes, Yama? o 3o;;
Yama: Are you the Muffin Master? 9 39
Mittens: ....what? Why? @_@
Yama: I heard your real name was Mittens the Muffin Master McKenzie. 9 39
Mittens: ...Wh-No! X_X Look, we're here to talk about human sports combat! Let's be serious here!
Yama: *whine* ;___;
Kuuhaku: *clears throat* You are correct, Mittens-san. The Super Big Game Bowl, indeed, is tomorrow, and everyone at the studios is extremely excited. Last year, we were unclear on the purpose of the ball; thanks to extensive studies*, however, I have learned that the goal of the game is to make "touchdowns" by destroying the Grid Iron-Foot ball in the Ending Zone, and also to convert the "non-touch" "downs", which are numbered.
Mittens: o 3o Also, the big human gladiator men try to hurt each other with their faces and make huge piles!
Kuuhaku: Yes. The "non-touch downs" are decided by pitched combat to first blood. Conversions can only be made by winning the melee.
Mittens: u 3u These are super excellent insights, Kuuhaku-chan, and I am triple glad you've shared them with us.
Kuuhaku: I am glad my studies have assisted the network.
Mittens: Now, to introduce the two opposing factions in this tournament of human death masters, we go live in the field to our correspondent, Thanatos al-Azrad. Thanatos?
* * *
Umbromon: Thank you, Mittens-san. This year, the aggressors are the New England Patriots. Swanson-san has been heard to call them "the Great Enemy" and "the Black Legions of Mordor". They are a force that has come here to Arizona to conquer and destroy, and they are lead by their terrible chieftain Brady, who is approximately 35 feet tall and possessed of a hard carapace covered in spines; he has foresworn the act of mating in order to better harness the black feelings of rage within his heart, and dreams only of blood. At his side is an unreasonably giant human, known only as Gronk, his mighty right hand.
Yama: O_O They sound super scary! Aaaaaaaa! Kuuhaku, is this all true?
Kuuhaku: *nods* ...I am uncertain as to Tom Brady's actual height, but it seems a likely approximation. His role as a destroyer is well documented, however.
Umbromon: The power of the Patriots is such that their dark aura sucked some of the life energy from the Grid of Iron-Foot during their penultimate supremacy match, and they had to pay homage in blood to the Reh'Faris. u 3u
Mittens: Fascinating. o 3o Who defends the world of light against them?
Umbromon: That would be the Seattle Seahawks. While their leader, Russell, is a hobbit, they are bound together by friendship and brotherhood, and they are in possession of a powerful and secret weapon.
Kuuhaku: Yes. He is Marshawn Lynch, and I believe he is a prototype Evangelion Unit. Or a Digimon in Live Disguise. It accounts for his ability to Mode Change, however.
Umbromon: My fellow correspondent, Elegy, was to interview Lynch-san and gain a gladiator's stirring and blood-soaked perspective, but he was only able to iterate that he is being extorted by an evil man, over and over. u_u If I learn who is extorting him, I will spill their heart's blood.
Yama: But why would they....why would you X his torte? ; 3; That's rude!
Kuuhaku: It is because the Seahawks fight for justice, Yama-chan. There will always be those who oppose such a goal. Swanson-san said Justin-san is one of them.
Mittens: Gosh, I'm super triple excited. o 3o; I hope the Seahawks win the down-touching death battle!!
Kuuhaku: u 3u Indeed. But for now, let us open the floor to our viewers.
((This is a continuation of a wonderful tradition god damnit. Screw you if you don't like it.
*: ALL FACTS VERIFIED** BY GRAHAM SWANSON
**: PROBABLY WHILE DRUNK))
Mittens: Welcome back to TASN! o 3o As always, I'm your host, Mittens the Wormmon, coming to you live from our studio in Terminal City! And joining me are, of course, our human sports expert, Agito Kuuhaku, and our prime correspondent, Yama! It's time once again for this year's premiere triple awesome human sports event, the Super Big Game Bowl!! Excitement is in the air! Also perspiration! And the big brown thing.
Kuuhaku: Yes. Since last year, Mittens-san, we have confirmed that the big brown thing is in fact a "Grid Iron-Foot ball". I believe the reference is to the name of its inventor? Nagisa-inchou was unclear on that point. He was, however, educational about cheerleaders.
Mittens: o 3o Right, right, because of Shu-kun's mom! Maybe we should have her as a guest on the show?
Kuuhaku: No. She is allergic to Yamainumon fur. Also she believes in a "Bat Dog".
Yama: ......Mittens-saaaaaaannnn?
Mittens: Uh, yes, Yama? o 3o;;
Yama: Are you the Muffin Master? 9 39
Mittens: ....what? Why? @_@
Yama: I heard your real name was Mittens the Muffin Master McKenzie. 9 39
Mittens: ...Wh-No! X_X Look, we're here to talk about human sports combat! Let's be serious here!
Yama: *whine* ;___;
Kuuhaku: *clears throat* You are correct, Mittens-san. The Super Big Game Bowl, indeed, is tomorrow, and everyone at the studios is extremely excited. Last year, we were unclear on the purpose of the ball; thanks to extensive studies*, however, I have learned that the goal of the game is to make "touchdowns" by destroying the Grid Iron-Foot ball in the Ending Zone, and also to convert the "non-touch" "downs", which are numbered.
Mittens: o 3o Also, the big human gladiator men try to hurt each other with their faces and make huge piles!
Kuuhaku: Yes. The "non-touch downs" are decided by pitched combat to first blood. Conversions can only be made by winning the melee.
Mittens: u 3u These are super excellent insights, Kuuhaku-chan, and I am triple glad you've shared them with us.
Kuuhaku: I am glad my studies have assisted the network.
Mittens: Now, to introduce the two opposing factions in this tournament of human death masters, we go live in the field to our correspondent, Thanatos al-Azrad. Thanatos?
* * *
Umbromon: Thank you, Mittens-san. This year, the aggressors are the New England Patriots. Swanson-san has been heard to call them "the Great Enemy" and "the Black Legions of Mordor". They are a force that has come here to Arizona to conquer and destroy, and they are lead by their terrible chieftain Brady, who is approximately 35 feet tall and possessed of a hard carapace covered in spines; he has foresworn the act of mating in order to better harness the black feelings of rage within his heart, and dreams only of blood. At his side is an unreasonably giant human, known only as Gronk, his mighty right hand.
Yama: O_O They sound super scary! Aaaaaaaa! Kuuhaku, is this all true?
Kuuhaku: *nods* ...I am uncertain as to Tom Brady's actual height, but it seems a likely approximation. His role as a destroyer is well documented, however.
Umbromon: The power of the Patriots is such that their dark aura sucked some of the life energy from the Grid of Iron-Foot during their penultimate supremacy match, and they had to pay homage in blood to the Reh'Faris. u 3u
Mittens: Fascinating. o 3o Who defends the world of light against them?
Umbromon: That would be the Seattle Seahawks. While their leader, Russell, is a hobbit, they are bound together by friendship and brotherhood, and they are in possession of a powerful and secret weapon.
Kuuhaku: Yes. He is Marshawn Lynch, and I believe he is a prototype Evangelion Unit. Or a Digimon in Live Disguise. It accounts for his ability to Mode Change, however.
Umbromon: My fellow correspondent, Elegy, was to interview Lynch-san and gain a gladiator's stirring and blood-soaked perspective, but he was only able to iterate that he is being extorted by an evil man, over and over. u_u If I learn who is extorting him, I will spill their heart's blood.
Yama: But why would they....why would you X his torte? ; 3; That's rude!
Kuuhaku: It is because the Seahawks fight for justice, Yama-chan. There will always be those who oppose such a goal. Swanson-san said Justin-san is one of them.
Mittens: Gosh, I'm super triple excited. o 3o; I hope the Seahawks win the down-touching death battle!!
Kuuhaku: u 3u Indeed. But for now, let us open the floor to our viewers.
((This is a continuation of a wonderful tradition god damnit. Screw you if you don't like it.
*: ALL FACTS VERIFIED** BY GRAHAM SWANSON
**: PROBABLY WHILE DRUNK))